Recovering Alcoholic

Man, I’ve been sober for 15 years now. How did that happen? If you had asked me when I was 45 if I would make it to 60 I would have just laughed at you. Truth be told, I had no interest in being that 60 year old guy. Everybody knows those guys are old. Ha! You get a different perspective when you’re approaching 60. When I was 20, I didn’t want to be 50, much less 60. In fact, I didn’t have much of a future when I was 45. If I were being honest, I thought I’d be long dead (or in prison for doing something stupid).

It’s pretty wonderful to be 60. Unless God has a sense of humor, I’ll make it to 60 – in about 2 weeks. More importantly, though, my AA birthday is tomorrow. I’ve largely lost the desire to drink, although every once in a great while I’ll have dream about drinking or I’ll be out at a pizza place or something and see the bartender pouring a beer and I’ll feel my mouth water a little. I was in a Mexican joint the other day and they were pouring big old pints of beer for everybody at the bar and, honest, I did feel myself thinking about it. As I’ve said before, I know how that story ends. It won’t be pretty, that’s for sure.

How did I get sober? I got tired of being sick and tired. I was making poor decisions in every area of my life and just not giving a shit about life. That sucks. I have two role models that have helped me to stop drinking – my longtime friend Tom has been a huge inspiration (he’s easily got 40 years of sobriety), and a guy that I know from my first real group. I won’t name him, for reasons you’ll understand in a moment, but he was a bit older than me and I identified with him. I was like, man, that guy is like me in so many respects – he has a family, he has kids, he has a job. He hasn’t lost it all like some of the other folks that walk into the groups. He wasn’t my sponsor, but he was a steady, reliable guy, that I’d see at the 3-4 meetings I went to every week when I was first learning to to start my life over. We’d see each other a few times a week and his stories always resonated with me. He’d for sure be at the Saturday meetings and I always felt a bit better about my chances when I was around him. He was also a long-time recovering alcoholic and was the rock of this particular group. He was well plugged in with most of the other guys and I knew, I just knew, that if he could do it? So could I. Imagine my surprise when a few years into my sobriety, he came to the meeting and confessed that he had slipped and had started drinking again. Wow, alcohol is cunning, baffling, and powerful. It might have really knocked me off my own road to sobriety when my role model confessed that he too was human. Fortunately, I had enough time under my belt to understand, “there but for the grace of God”. I’m happy to say that he’s back on the wagon and it’s been years (maybe 10?) since his slip. I mention this to illustrate that it take effort every single day to not drink. As my friend Tom says, “Just don’t drink today.” Amen. I’ll worry about tomorrow tomorrow.

So… why can’t an alcoholic stop drinking?

That’s a great question, and I’ve stolen an explanation from the web:

So why can’t an alcoholic stop drinking? Speaking to the website Live Science, Dr. Robert Swift, a psychiatrist and associate director of the Brown University Center for Alcohol and Addiction Studies in Providence, Rhode Island, points out that the aforementioned biological changes in the brain lead those who drink to associate alcohol with pleasurable experiences. “But as a person continues to drink frequently and heavily, a second major change occurs. The brain gets sensitized to the release of dopamine and over time, that enjoyment of alcohol fades, Swift said. As the brain becomes tolerant to alcohol, people need to drink more and more, in a sense, to feel good, and this begins the transition from liking alcohol to becoming addicted to it, he noted.”

What does that addiction look like? Repeated exposure to alcohol means that the brain automatically produces more of those excitatory transmitters to compensate for the constant presence of those inhibitory ones, until “the brain responds by becoming more excited by the presence of alcohol, and even when a person is not drinking, the brain remains in an excited state,” Swift said. And because this constant state of neurological excitement means that an alcoholic “may not sleep well, may feel more anxious or may develop the shakes,” the brain sends consistent messages that it “needs the sedative effects of alcohol to damp down the excitatory chemicals so the person can feel normal, Swift said.”

In other words, the individual is told by his or her brain that not drinking is not an option.

That’s a frightening prospect for anyone who drinks too much, but for those caught up in the grips of alcohol addiction, it’s a nightmarish feeling of slavery, because they know all too well that alcohol is the only substance that will calm their anxious state but is also contributing to it as well.

Yeah, for sure. I’ve said in the past that I don’t know if I have a chemical problem, whether I’m wired that way, or whether I’m just a dumbass… I dunno. But what I do know is that drinking again signifies the end of my days. I’ve got too much to lose to throw it all away.

On to a more pleasant topic, my children are now adults. My daughter (27) is a practicing dentist and my son (24) is a Civil Engineer. Both have jobs in their fields and are doing great. This would have never happened had I not stop drinking. In fact, I “made a deal” with God way back when – if he’d help me stop drinking, I’d be there for my kids. I know, I know, a good dad is supposed to be there for his kids anyway – but, remember, in my early days, and especially when I was drinking, all I cared about was myself. And I didn’t really care all that much. I can’t tell you how grateful I am to have been giving a second chance at life. Although I am expecting that bolt of lightning at any moment as God has certainly kept his side of the bargain. lol. I think.

I’m enjoying life day-to-day, having reinvented myself. One of the biggest changes in my personality is that I don’t have to be “in charge” any longer. I used to get so mad if things wouldn’t go my way – even stupid stuff like traffic, interactions with people in my life (inconsequential things too!), and more. Now? I’m along for the ride. I’m not passive, and I participate in life, but I’ve come to understand that very few things in life are a crisis.

Anyway, enough for now, I thought 15 years would be a good time to come back here and say that I’m still alive and that it works. You can stop drinking. Just don’t drink today.

ODAT, Amen.

I started drinking when I was 15 and kept it up for a good thirty years. Thank the good Lord that I found the rooms and was able to put a stop to it when I was 45. I’m 58 now (58 and a couple of months), and am pretty shocked that I made it this far.

For the most part, I did stupid stuff. Almost all of the stupid stuff I did in my life was related to drinking. If I had really truly thought about it back when I was drinking I would have never believed that I would a. Be able to stop drinking, b. Would be alive, or c. Not be locked up for killing somebody when out driving drunk. That’s, you know, if I had bothered to really think about it. There was also a tremendous amount of apathy in my life – where I just didn’t care about what happened tomorrow. Or what happened to my family. God, what a horrible way to live life.

So… here we are thirteen years later. If you’ve read along on my blog, you’ll know that within a week or two of finding AA I had to go out an reserve this domain and start writing. I had grand ambitions for the site – that I would document my story on a, gasp, daily basis. Or maybe weekly. Or maybe monthly. Ha! What I’ve learned about myself all these years later is that my story isn’t really that unique. It matters to me (now), and it certainly matters to those that I love and those who love me. Ultimately I really didn’t have it in me to write every day or every month even. Fortunately, I did have the ability to not drink every single day. That’s what saved me – and, if you’re still out there, that’s what will save you. Just not drinking today.

It was harder than it sounds and I realize that I’m an exceptionally lucky guy. I found a good home group and did my 90 in 90. I continued with that group on a daily basis for a number of years. Then it became a weekly thing as other things in my life required my presence. What never changed, though, is the daily gratitude that I show to God for giving me the strength to become the man I am today.

So… 13 years? Wow, what in the world can happen in 13 years? Well, my kids both graduated high school. And then college. And one of them is going to be a dentist and will have graduated dental school in less than a year. Seriously, by the next time I come back here to post, my kid will have become a dentist. That’s pretty wild. And my other kid? He’s 23 and graduated college in three and a half years and is a Civil Engineer. More importantly, he has a J.O.B. and is working in his degree field. That’s pretty awesome considering that I barely made it through high school and college just wan’t the path for me.

My wife hasn’t kicked me out, which is one of the mysteries of the universe. We’ve packed up and moved from the Chicago area to near the beach in South Carolina. I’m not quite retired yet, but am definitely living the retired lifestyle. In fact, (snicker), I’m sitting here in my pool typing away on my iPad. And to think, I was all ready to give it all up just to have a beer. How stupid could I be? Yeah, remember that part when I told my story a few years back? Every stupid thing I’ve ever done started with alcohol.

My wife was a good sport and attended my 40th year high school reunion a few months back. We got in the car and drove up to Atlanta, where I grew up & attended high school, and hung out with people I hadn’t seen in, well, 40 years. I wasn’t an athlete or popular kid in high school, I just had my clique and hung out with a few pals and we did our thing and then got started on life. It was fun to reminisce with the people with whom I had shared experiences in those early years, and there were all types. I did have an opportunity to say hello to the kid that was there for my first drink when I was 15. We got our hands on a six pack of “Mickey’s Big Mouth” and went down to a fort we had built in the woods. Honest, he looked great. I have no idea whether alcohol grabbed ahold of him the way that it did me, but it was good to say hello and catch up with one another. Glad he’s not dead. Hell, I’m glad *I’m* not dead. Which is kind of funny, because that was something I could have cared less about, oh, about 13 1/2 years ago. Funny how life works out.

I realize that I’m super fortunate that I was able to recognize that I was an alcoholic and to take steps to stop drinking. I know my wife and kids appreciate it. Hell, I appreciate it.

Ok, just a short note for now. My wife and I are having dinner tonight with yet another friend from high school who happens to be in town. That’s what happens when you live near the beach – everybody wants to catch up and come visit. I can’t tell you how glad I am that I’m living a sober life.

Dan

Say that again to yourself and let it sink in. Those three words have always resonated with me. If you’ve spent any time in these rooms, you’ll know that they are from Chapter 5 of the Big Book, “How it works”:

Remember that we deal with alcohol, cunning, baffling, powerful! Without help it is too much for us. But there is One who has all power that One is God. May you find Him now!

Big Book, Chapter 5

I’ve been sober for twelve years and eight months and have never been more grateful for anything. It’s about 2:00a and I’ve just awoken from a horrible dream.

For some odd reason I’m driving around Atlanta (where I grew up) in the back of a limo. My wife and I had been out at some event and decide to part ways for some reason – she goes on home by herself and I end up in the limo. I decide that I need a beer and ask the driver to pull into Beer City, a beer city mega warehouse that I have no idea whether exists or not. My dog is in the back of the limo and looks up at me and says, “this is a bad idea”. No kidding.

The driver can’t find the place, but eventually he pulls up to Beer City and they’re closed. Then some guy comes up to the limo and says, “hey, y’all want some beer?” And then he opens the door to the store. I go to open the door of the limo and can’t get out as the driver has parked in a tight alley and there is no room to open the door on either side. I end up climbing out the sunroof (completely sounds like something I’d do when drinking) and wander into Beer City.

Every single person in the place is somebody I went to high school with (and drank with). I decide that I want a six pack of Heineken and simply cannot find it anywhere in this huge megastore. I finally see a separate room with the green label of Heineken and go towards that room, but a woman says I can’t go in their with my dog because there are a bunch of cats that live in the room. Another guy comes over and says that he’ll go get me the beer. He goes in and comes out a few minutes later with the wrong kind. We go back and forth discussing just what it is that I want and somehow my order grows from a six pack to a 12-pack to a case, to two cases. Again, exactly the kind of thing I did in my drinking days.

I head for the cashier and wake up a few moments later and I’m looking into the kind face of my dog. She’s sitting next to my bed and has apparently just nuzzled me with her snout and woken me up. She’s got to pee and wants to go outside. Or, maybe, just maybe, she knew that I needed to be woken up and pulled right outta that dream.

Man, I needed that as this was a crazy dream. I rarely dream, and I woke up feeling awful. I literally laid here for a moment shaking and then was overcome with gratitude that this was just a dream. And gratitude for my sobriety.

Now I don’t know if bad things would have happened if I had made it past the cashier, but – really – when has anything good ever happened *after* leaving the liquor store? What’s most amazing about this dream is the way that I felt in the dream. I simply couldn’t wait to crack open a cold one. I hadn’t thought about drinking for YEARS.

Good Lord, alcohol is cunning, baffling, and powerful.

Well, I’m not dead. Or in prison. Or divorced. All things that I would have sworn would have happened by now had I kept on drinking. If you’ve followed along with my blog over the years, sparse as it has been, you’ll know that I went from a period of despair to one where I actually look forward to tomorrow.

I started a new job almost seven years ago and that has revitalized me. When the youngest went off to college, we packed up and moved away from Chicago – right before covid – and landed near the beach. Good Lord, if anybody needs a pick-me-up, packing up from Chicago and heading to the beach is sure to be just the thing.

My kids are doing so well, I’m bursting with pride. My daughter graduated from college 2 1/2 years ago with a 4.0 and is now half-way through dental school. My son will graduate as a Civil Engineer in December, 6 months early. Yeah, I’m bragging on my kids a bit – I should, I’m very proud of them. I do sometimes wonder how they would have turned out if I hadn’t stopped drinking? Knowing that the end was quickly approaching (read one of my earlier posts about that bright light coming at me – I knew the train was headed my way), I wouldn’t have been here for my kids. And losing their dad to prison or death when they were early teens? Yeah, that would have screwed them up. Kind of like what happened to me about a million years ago.

Once I had a year or two of sobriety under my belt, I really wondered what was my purpose in life. I decided that I wanted to be there for my kids – to help them get a great start in life. I’m so thankful that I was able to put down the bottle and do just that. And my kids, my wife, my family – and, hell, my whole life is all the better for it.

So, here I am living at the beach. I’m still working, but I’m not working myself to death. I try to enjoy the beach a few times a month, and I definitely go and enjoy all the great amenities that they have here in South Carolina.

I attend local meetings of AA here at the beach, which is kind of fun as you always see new people. Folks that are visiting, folks that are recently sober, and folks that have stories just like mine. That’s probably the most important take-away (for me) from this program – I’m not all that unique. Sure, I thought I was hot shit, that I was different from everybody else, that I had good reasons to drink. Ha! Funny, we’re all pretty much alike when you get right down to it.

I did hear some sad news today, though. My older sister is in the ICU and is not expected to make it through the week. Her story is pretty much my story – except it took her awhile to hit rock bottom. While she did eventually become sober, the toll on her was too much and she wrecked her body and now – at 59 – is on the way out. I’m sad for her, I’m sad for her family, I’m sad for her kids. But… that’s pretty much what happens if you keep drinking.

While I’ve had this website for 12+ years, and admittedly do a poor job of updating it, I do – from time to time – share the URL with folks and offer to tell my story in their own time. I recently met a young lady at a meeting locally where I shared the web address. And just this morning, my other sister asked me how I was able to stop? Apparently she has a friend with an adult son traveling the same road that we all traveled. I gave her the web address and, maybe, that guy will see enough in my story to know that it doesn’t have to end in misery. Good luck! And go to a meeting!

I know, my blog isn’t the most lively thing on the internet.  It’s a good reminder for me to come back and review how things were, especially the part where I tell my story.  I read that a couple of times a year just to remember.  I also will share the story with those in need, many times virtually through online friends that ask for help, and sometimes in person when the subject comes up.

What a year this has been.  Politics aside, the quarantine and the “stay home” orders would have pushed me over the edge eleven years ago.  I mean, really, what do you do when you have to sit around at home for 18 hours a day? Yeah, no kidding, I did that pretty good for thirty years.

I mentioned last year (or the year before) that we had packed up and moved to the beach.  My kids are off at college and are doing just great.  My wife packed up from everything she knew and moved 1000 miles away from her family.  We moved from the Chicago area and ended up in a beach town in South Carolina – the response to the pandemic in South Carolina is pretty different from Chicago, believe you me.  One of my (now) adult children is in grad school in Chicago and she’s pretty down on how they’ve closed up just about everything there.  So, all in all, pretty glad that we’re here instead of there.  I haven’t felt the temptation to drink in a long time, yet sitting home all day long and not being able to go outside due to the cold/weather/etc.? Yeah, not the best ingredients for sobriety.  I’m still very much a ODAT kind of guy and don’t get stressed out about tomorrow.

My kids were home from college from about this time last year until the fall when they went back to college – and God Bless them both, a lot of the classes are still virtual.  Kind of crazy that they’re both living in an apartment near campus and not spending all that much time on campus.  My son is dealing with it a lot better than my daughter, she needs the social network in-person interactions require, so would be great if you’d say a prayer for her.  I know everybody is dealing with this – parents & kids everywhere.  Be thankful, my friends, for your kids.  God knows I had every opportunity to screw up my kids with my drinking, yet I’ve been blessed with two incredible children.  I’ve posted about this before (you know, in one of about the 20 or so posts I’ve made in the last 11 years), but I realized that when I stopped drinking that my purpose in life was to be here for my children.  I’ll die a happy man knowing that my kids have a good start in life.  And, believe it or not, I don’t really want to go tomorrow.  11 years ago? I was ready to go – ready to give up on life, to give up on all the “hard things” in life.  I’m so thankful that period of my life is long in the past.

So, you know, the kids were here all last summer.  We stuck around the house for the most part, hit up the beach some, and generally kept a low profile.  I’m still working, and worked myself into a consulting gig where it’s easy to work from home.  Pre-Covid I probably worked from home 80% of the time. For the last year its been 100%, so my work life hasn’t really changed too much.  The business is such that we can do it from anywhere, yet it’s a lot nicer to work from the beach.  I actually had a lot of phone calls from the pool last summer.  Made it a little more difficult when folks wanted to video share, lol.

We also have a new addition to the family.  We’ve always had dogs and have always said, “never again”.  The house near the beach is quite the house – really, it’s a magazine-quality house and both of our dogs had passed before we moved to SC.  We were here for about a year before thinking about getting a new dog.  My wife really groves to the magazine-quality house and I was pretty sure that she was not up for a dog.  You know, they pee, they poop, they shed.  And sometimes (gasp!) they chew on stuff.  Well, guess what my wife bought me for Christmas last year? A dog lease and a dog collar.  Yay! I was very pleasantly surprised… (as an aside, this is a perfect example of what a great, great, great wife I have – she knew that I missed having a four-legged friend).  So, yeah, I was surprised.  But not so surprised that I didn’t start researching where to find the right pal.

A few days after Christmas 2019 I had identified a breeder in Ohio and we were lined up for a pup from a 12/30 whelp date.  We picked up a baby German Shepherd in February of 2020 and have had Dixie for just over a year.  Man, let me tell you, Dixie is a sweet dog.  Kind to people, good with other animals, has *never* chewed on anything she isn’t supposed to (except me), and has very rarely had accidents in the house.  I’m sure that some of that is because we were both here and could walk her every two hours when she first joined the family.  She quickly became crate trained and house broken and we used the crate for seven or eight months.  Now? She sleeps at the foot of the bed, and sometimes sleeps in the bed.  All in all, a great addition to the family.

I hope you’re getting the sense that I now enjoy life.  I’ll be 56 in two weeks and never thought that I’d make it (or want to make it) this far.  I’m thrilled beyond words that my kids are doing so well, that my wife has embraced the move south, and that every day is a new adventure.  I’m really trying to enjoy the new town, going out and trying new things, and have dusted off some hobby’s as well.  All in all, life is good.  Why? For me, it was AA and a very select group of great guys that helped me to understand that I was not alone.

Thanks for reading, and thanks for helping to keep me sober today.

Dan

I get that this isn’t the liveliest blog on the internet, and, honest, I have no idea how many people are reading this.  But, you know, it’s helped me over the years to come here and tell my story.  Remember how way back ten years ago I told you that I had drank for 30 years? And now it’s ten years later.  I’ll be 55 in two weeks and I’m shocked that I made it this far.  I never really gave much thought to “getting old”, and I’m sure I would have called a 55-year old “old” when I was 15.  Or 20.  Or maybe even 30.  Aside from the fact that I truly believed I’d be dead long before I hit “old age”, I really had no interest in being the old guy.  I used to think (and probably said a time or two) that I didn’t want to be the 55 or 60 year old guy.  I guess those perspectives change as you get closer to the target number.

I still have zero interest in being the 80-year old guy in the nursing home, although I’ll probably feel differently when I’m 75.  I dunno.

Anyway, back to my sobriety.  How the hell did that happen? It happened one day at a time (ODAT).  I started in AA and did the 90 in 90 and my particular home group saved my life.  I highly recommend you try to find a home group that feels like home – if you don’t make that connection on the first couple of tries, shop around the groups in your community.

So, I told you about a year ago that I had moved to the beach and was sitting in the hot tub.  Life is still going well and I’m enjoying my “near retirement”.  Said another way, I’m still working, yet I’m working in a job that I really enjoy and carry zero stress from the job into my life.  Some of that is the job, but most of it is my way of thinking about the job.

My kids are doing great, and – if they ever thought about stuff like this – would probably tell you that it’s better to have Dad in the picture than him having blown his brains our or gotten locked up because he couldn’t figure out how to stop drinking.  How did I do it? One Day at a Time, Brother, ODAT.

I hope you’re laughing along with my paltry attempt to keep a blog outlining my sobriety – life got in the way.  And it’s wonderful that I gave a shit enough to get my life restarted so I could enjoy that time with my family.

ODAT Amen.

dan

I celebrated nine years of sobriety last night. How? I sat by the pool and watched the sunset. Wow. If you knew me nine years ago, you’d be surprised as I am about the fact that I’m still alive and am doing well. Hell, I’ve got a beautiful retirement house in my dream destination and things are going incredibly well for me, and for the family.

I’m tap tap tapping away on the iPad, so I’ll leave it at that. Maybe I’ll come back in the not too distant future and talk more about how things are going. Yeah, I like the idea of a website and blog a lot more that I do visiting every week abs adding content.

ODAT, Amen.

I visit recovering-alcoholic.com all the time and read through the early days in my recovery.  I never would have imagined that I’d last this long, that I’d even be alive today.  Imagine that.  I just spent the last hour reading every word that I’d previously posted on this site and I’ve got to tell you, I’m feeling pretty proud of myself.  I’m still a raging alcoholic, of course, I just now have a better understanding of myself and what’s important in my life.

If you’ve ever read through my blog, you might have a sense that I’m a technology geek.  To be honest, I’m a huge Excel geek.  I got to wondering just how many days I’ve been sober.  Today is 11/9/18.  Looking back to 3/1/2010, and we’re left with a difference of 3,175 days.  Wow.  Let’s say that again – three thousand, one hundred and seventy-five days.  Said another way, 8 years, 8 months, and 8 days.  It just happened to work out that way – I’m not clever enough to have decided to come and post here on the 8/8/8 anniversary.  I’m not sure that even means all that much in terms of numerology or anything like that (now, you know I have to go look… Dr. Google, here I come…).

Ha! http://numerologysecrets.net/numerology-888-meaning/.  Now, let’s be honest, I’m not really into numerology or anything, but I did have to laugh when I googled 888.  Here’s a summary:

888 reveals itself when your thoughts and vision for your life are in alignment. It serves as a reminder that whatever you’re doing is right and that you should keep at it until you get your break. In addition, you might want to consider starting new relationships, signing contracts and agreements once you see this number set since you’re more likely to be successful going forward thanks to the backing that you are about to receive from your angel guides and the universe in general. When 888 appears in places such as your birthdate, endeavor to life your life with a purpose since you’ve already been given a loving push by the universe by default.

Hey, I can use all the positive vibes I can get, right? So, how did I figure out 8 years, 8 months, 8 days? Well, I’m an Excel geek.  Enter the starting date in Cell A2 and the Ending Date in Cell B2 and then enter this formula in cell A3:

=DATEDIF(A2,B2,”Y”) & ” Years, ” & DATEDIF(A2,B2,”YM”) & ” Months, ” & DATEDIF(A2,B2,”MD”) & ” Days”

So, what’s happening with Dan? Well, a lot.  My daughter in a junior in college now and she’s 21.  I couldn’t be more proud of her – a straight A student.  I thank the Good Lord above she takes after her mom in terms of smarts.  My son is a senior in high school, with a 4.5 GPA and a 31 on his ACT.  As a result, he’ll receive a full academic scholarship at a pretty decent University.  The Lord does indeed work on mysterious ways.  You may recall in an earlier post that I figured out my purpose in life on the road to recovery – it was to be there for my kids.  I’m pretty pleased to say that’s working well.  The kids will both have a great start in life and I couldn’t be happier for them.

What about my wife? What about our marriage? Still going strong.  We celebrated 25 years this year (I didn’t need Excel to figure that out…).  I’m shocked she didn’t kick me to the curb along the way.  We did buy that house in South Carolina that I talked about last year.  When my son graduates from high school and goes off to college, we’re way the hell out of the State of Illinois and moving to SC to enjoy a more relaxed life style.  It just worked out that we were able to buy the house before we sold our current home, so we have two houses now.  Who would have ever thought a fuckup like me would have two houses? Yeah, I know.  But we do, and that second house is awesome.  It’s close to the beach and has a pool and we’ve already furnished it.  It’s just waiting for the two of us.  We didn’t downsize, because we want the kids to come visit and, you know, they’re in college.  They still need a home – even if they’re starting their independent lives.  I’m now actually thinking through more than day by day and can actually envision that there may be grandkids one day.  And I’d sure like them to come visit granddad at the beach instead of Illinois.

Ok, that’s all for tonight.  See ‘ya in about a year or so.

dan

How did that happen? I don’t think I’ve ever not screwed up something for eight years straight.  I am pleased to say that I’m celebrating eight years of sobriety next week.  Figured I would post here tonight as, well, you know, I haven’t been too cool about blogging about my sobriety experience.  I created this site back in March of 2010 with the intent to blog about my journey.  I think I’ve created 17 posts in that time.  Ha! Yeah, I guess I am a bit of a procrastinator…

So, how did I manage eight years? It all began with a meeting.  And then a meeting every day for 90 days.  And then a few years of meetings several times a week.  And then a meeting every Saturday and Sunday for a few years.  In all of this I began to find other things to do with my life.  You know, when you quit drinking, you’ve got a LOT of free time to fill.  I filled that time by becoming involved in my children’s lives – thankfully there was still time to do that. My daughter is off in college now – completing her sophomore year.  Straight A kid – can’t complain about that.  My son is a junior in high school and is getting ready to start thinking about the college experience.  I couldn’t be more pleased with both of ’em – and super thankful that I had time to do things with my kids.  I became involved in the Boy Scout program with my son when he was in 1st grade.  I got really involved when he was in 3rd grade – 8 years ago.  I spent many an hour volunteering and camping, hiking, fishing, climbing, enjoying campfires, and learning how to do things the Scouting way.  In fact, I’d say that I got to have many of those experiences that I missed as a kid.  I wouldn’t trade those experiences for the world.

Along the way I changed jobs – something that was a long-time coming, and helped to recreate my life.  Sometimes a change is a good thing – in the case of us drunks, it’s almost a required thing.  So, what’s next? Well, we live in the Chicago area and deal with the snow, the crazy taxes, the screwed up laws/government, and all that.  We’re going to move down to coastal South Carolina when my son graduates from high school and goes off to college.  In fact, we’ll probably buy a house down there this summer and will spend the next year or so in getting it setup just right.  It’ll be hard to move from where we are today – we’ve lived in the Chicago area since 2000 – it’ll be 19 years when we finally pull up stakes and get the hell out of here.  Most everyone I know that is my age (53), and in the same place in life (kids going off to college) simply can’t wait to get out of Illinois.  While I won’t be retiring just yet, we’ll be thinking about how to enjoy our lives and, you know, doing that in a place that’s a lot more enjoyable than where we are today.  My wife, who has put up with my stupid shit for 25 years this spring, is all set to go as well.  She grew up in Illinois and while I never was really sure she’d agree to move away, she’s pretty excited about starting the next phase of our lives.

So, how have I made it work? Still One Day at a Time.  ODAT.  I don’t attend meetings all that much any longer, yet I practice the 12 Steps every day.  It’s made my life about a million times better than how I had been living.  So if AA is so great, why did I stop with the meetings? I had migrated from daily to weekly to weekend meetings and then my weekends got full with Scouting.  I’ve done something or another that is Scouting related for most weekends over the last eight years.  It’s given me a purpose, helped me to do good things, and made my life a hell of a lot better than it had been.  In fact, I’m thinking through how I’ll continue my experiences with Scouting once my son “ages out” – which is something that a young man does when he turns 18.  My son will be 18 in about three and a half months.  Wow!

So… this isn’t the end.  I’ll always be an alcoholic.  I still think through those little warning bells when I hear myself say, “Hey, maybe I can have a drink one day… you know, when I don’t have all those same family responsibilities…” Heaven forbid that ever happens.  I do anticipate becoming more involved in AA when we land our our new location in South Carolina.  I’ve said this before, I was exceptionally fortunate to run into the group of guys at my local home group – they saved me.  Each group is different, of course, they all have a different feel.  I’m optimistic that I’ll find the same kind of group in the new place – and will do what I can to help those new to the program.  By the way, I still view myself as a “newbie” when it comes to AA.  So many of my heros are guys that have 20, 25, 30 years in the program.

I talk above how getting involved with my family, getting a new job, and how getting involved with Scouting changed my life.  No doubt about it, that’s all true.  But what saved me is AA.  For sure.

God does work in mysterious ways.  I’ll be back – thanks for reading.

dan

I’m doing great, and God knows I never would have lived this long if I had kept drinking.  Those days when you feel like you’ve given up, that your life has no purpose, that you just don’t want to go on? They pass.  Hallelujah! Brother, I was at the end of my life 2500 days ago.

I’ve completely changed my life – my job, my outlook on who I am, what makes me happy, and I’ve got a phenomenal relationship with my wife and kids.  You remember them, right? The ones I just didn’t care about and was ready to, literally, drink myself to death.  I can’t believe I’m the same person.

You can stop.  Just don’t drink today.  One day I’ll come here and pen a longer narrative about what’s happening in my life, yet the important part is I’ve forgiven myself for being such a dick in all aspects of my life.  Change is hard, yet the joy I have in my life now is simply amazing.  I’ve got a daughter in college now (she’s doing great!), a son who is a 10th grader, and a fantastic relationship with my wife.  What more could a man want?

ODAT, Amen.