as we understand Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.” This is Step 11. Wow! You may be thinking, “Man, this guy has only been in AA for about two weeks and he’s already on Step 11. I gotta try this thing.” Well, you’d be right, you should try it if you’ve decided that your life is unmanageable and that you are powerless over alcohol. But that’s not the way that it works – for me anyway – I’ll always be an alcoholic. With prayer and the support of my family, and the fellowship of other alcoholics, I hope to always be a recovering alcoholic. I’ll do my best not to proselytize to you as I discuss my journey as my goal (today) is not to save you; my goal is to save myself. A big part of Alcoholics Anonymous is to carry the message of sobriety to other alcoholics, yet I’m far far far from that goal at this point in my life. I’m still putting my arms around Step 1 – “Admitting that I am an alcoholic and that my life has become unmanageable”.
So… how did I get to Step 11 already? Many of the meetings are “Step” meetings where the group discusses the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. Each week the group rotates through the steps. I found this confusing at first as I’m still coming to terms with facing my alcoholism and I wanted to learn (earn?) each step along the way. I’m learning that study and reflection of all of the steps can take place even if you have not “mastered” a particular step. In fact, many say that they have worked steps multiple times and each time come away with a greater understanding of the step and how it relates to their particular situation. As I listened to my peers discuss Step 11 this morning, I realized that I had no problem communicating with God. I was raised a Catholic and while true that I am somewhat of a lapsed Catholic, I believe in the major tenants of the Church. As a result, “communicating” with God has always been easy for me. What I realized today for the first time is that the communication has typically been self-centered and self-serving. There have been way too many mornings when I have woken in the morning and said “God, please help me to stop drinking”. Or perhaps I have prayed to God for that promotion, to solve problems that I caused through alcohol, to win the lottery, and many more self-centered “prayers”. It occurred to me this morning that God doesn’t work that way. God has a plan for each of us and while I don’t yet know what my plan us (“…His will for us…”), I do know that I need to fundamentally change the way that I talk to God.
There’s an old saying “There but for the grace of God go I” – meaning I would likely have experienced or done the same bad thing if God had not been watching over me. Many people at AA say “When you listen to the heartbreaking stories of your fellow alcoholic and are tempted to think ‘At least that hasn’t happened to me’, be sure to add ‘yet’ to the end.” Man is there wisdom in that statement or what? Is God watching over me? He must be. I have had way too many times in my life when I was steps away from catastrophe, yet God has kept me from the cataclysm. I’m going to attempt to change the way that I communicate with God – I’m still selfish, I’ll still want, but I’m trying to understand God’s will for me and how I can make that will a reality. I have experienced a few moments of God’s touch in these last weeks, not the least of which was the decision to reach out to others to help guide me in recovery. God has also gently nudged me into letting go of the small things in recent days. Life is a lot better when you’re not stressed out about the small things.
God, Grant me the serenity;
To accept the things I cannot change;
The courage to change things I can;
And the wisdom to know the difference.
Thanks for reading, and thanks for helping me to not drink today.
dan